Friday, May 29, 2015

A Vision of Our Future Child

A couple Sunday's ago, when I taught the Sunday school youth class, I gave everyone two little balls of Play Dough--one that was gooey and one that had been left out to dry. I told them to shape two people using the two kinds of Play Dough.

They said things like, "Why do we have to use this hard Play Dough?" "This one is hard to shape." "I like the gooey Play Dough better."

There was an obvious difference between the two figures made. The person made with the gooey dough looked better because it was easier to form.

Then I asked, "Now which kind of Play Dough are you? When God shapes your life, is He working with gooey or hard?"

This lesson was burning to be taught because of a lesson I had learned in my own life a couple weeks before this.

If you've been following Gary's and my TTC journey, you know we've been trying to have a baby. For nineteen/twenty months at this point.

In the middle of April, I felt especially discouraged. The constant cycle of hope and disappointment had taken a toll on me and left me too tired to keep going. I needed an emotional break, and I resolved to get one by not caring about this month's outcome or the next. I told God, "I'm done being hopeful for a while. Whatever happens happens. I'll still try, but I won't expect anything."

I hardened my heart because a hard heart can't be hurt. (Say that five times fast.)

A couple weeks after that, my pastor did a message at church about how we're overcomers. I felt God really pushing me to open myself up to the message. That I was an overcomer, so I needed to act like one, believe like one, hope like one. I wrestled with Him the whole message. No, I can't do it. The pain is too much. You see that, right? But He pressed back. You're more than that because I've made you more than that.

I caved, but it wasn't easy. I pictured myself peeling away these hard layers, opening myself up to how God wanted me to be. I was scared of being vulnerable, so I told God so. "I'm trusting you, so I'm going to need you to help me through this." I went full-on gooey.

A week after that, something amazing happened. Again in church. The past week had felt good. I had a renewed sense of peace and joy. God was helping me move forward with hope. So during worship, I was really loving on Him, getting into it. Sometimes my worship looks like, "God you're good, and it's cold in here, and I have to do this thing later, and you're such an awesome God." (Don't pretend this isn't you sometimes!)

But this Sunday I was focused. My mind and heart were on God and only Him. I started praying in the Spirit, and I had a vision. Of a little girl, about three years old, and black. And I knew she was ours. This is what Gary and I look like, if you don't know:


And our daughter will be black. That means adoption.

I've known my whole life I'd adopt. Because there are so many kids out there who need homes and families. We're called to take care of orphans. But until recently, I thought I'd have biological kids first and then adopt when the other kids were older. Before Gary and I reached the one-year mark of TTC, we started talking adoption. We want kiddos right now, and if it's taking a while to have them biologically, why wait when we could adopt a child maybe sooner? We talked about doing this within the next couple years.

But the more we looked into adoption, the more we realized it wouldn't be possible for us any time soon--that biological kids would likely happen sooner. There are a couple barriers in our way at the moment, but nothing we can't tackle.

So when God showed me a vision of our future daughter, it gave me so much joy and peace. (We're so excited, we bought her two dresses already!) However this goes, we know for sure we will have a daughter. Do I still hope we'll get pregnant? Yes. But if we don't get pregnant, we'll be okay. It doesn't matter where our kids come from or how they get to us. Or if we only have one.

I believe God works all things together for our good. I believe God showed me that vision for a couple reasons. One, because I trusted Him when he told me to open up and hope. He heard my prayers that I would need His help, so He gave me a lifeline. Something to show me that all my hope isn't in vain.

And two, I believe one of the reasons we will have a black daughter is because that vision gave me more hope when I needed it than if He would have showed me a white child. Because I could have mistaken a white child as a biological child, which would have still put my focus on TTC. But by showing me a black child, he showed me she will come to us through adoption, which takes the pressure off TTC. There could be tons of reasons we'll have a transracial family, but I sincerely believe one of those reasons was to bring me peace right now, in the wait.

And who knows, maybe the reason we haven't been able to have biological kids yet is because if we did, we wouldn't be so eager to adopt as quickly as we are...and maybe, just maybe, this child from my vision will need our family before that point. But that's just a guess at the future. I'll never know the reasons for sure. I'll never see all of God's plan at once. But I can have faith He knows what He's doing.

I wouldn't have had that vision if I hadn't trusted God and softened my heart. I wouldn't be excited about our family. Instead, I would still be afraid and uncertain. But being open to hope, I was open to who God made me to be, and by being open to that, I was open to what He wants to do in my life regardless of my plans. When we're open, God reveals beautiful things to us.

All it takes is us being gooey in a world that wants to make us hard-hearted.
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Thanks for reading!
You may also like this post: To Infertile Women: Why I Call Us Mothers  

UPDATE June 1, 2015:
The day after I posted this, Gary and I got the surprise of our lives...a positive pregnancy test! Life is funny. If you want, you can read a little more about that here. (By the way, of course adoption is still a priority for us because we're in love with our daughter from my vision!)   

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