Whether she does or does not isn't the point of this post, but for the record, Katy Perry said in her movie that she does have a relationship with God, but it just doesn't look like the relationship with Him that her parents have. Fair? Fair. I mean, yeah, she can kiss a girl (and like it) and still have His love.
Which brings me to my point, but first here's the lyric video to Unconditionally. You should watch it or you won't know what I'm talking about.
When I watched this video, I hardly noticed the girl because I couldn't take my eyes off the guy (no, not because he's cute like young Leonardo DiCaprio!) because his expressions match exactly what I felt about myself at one time. I know everyone will watch this video and see something different, but what I see in his face is...
At first, despair, sadness, grief, pain.
"Oh no, did I get too close? Oh, did I almost see what's really on the inside? All your insecurities, all your dirty laundry never made me blink one time.
Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now. Let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally."When she starts singing "unconditionally", he almost touches his chest above his heart,but then stops, like it's too tender. Like his grief is too much. At 1:04 as she sings that, he looks shocked, like she's just punched him with her words. It hits him hard. Does he look like he feels better, though?
"Come just as you are to me, don't need apologies. Know that you are worthy. I'll take your bad days with your good. Walk through the storm I would. I do it all because I love you. I love you!"
That should make anyone feel better--you don't need to be sorry, just come as you are, and I'll go through it with you because I love you. Except, he looks even worse here, like he's sick to the core with himself, disappointed, and...undeserving. He's can't contain the pain anymore. He's in tears.
"Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now. Let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally."He still looks pretty distraught, but by the end of the chorus here he seems to me like he's kind of daring to take a breath that doesn't quite hurt so much.
"So open up your heart and just let it begin. Open up your heart and just let it begin. Open up our heart and just let it begin. Open up your heart!
Hope. Acceptance. Relief. Gratitude.
Acceptance is the key to be...to be truly free. Will you do the same for me?"
"Unconditional. Unconditionally. I will love you unconditionally. There is no fear now. Let go and just be free. I will love you unconditionally."At the end of the video, he's looking into the eyes of the person who loves him unconditionally. They're both naked, but unflinching. Everything is out in the open, and because of this pure love, it's okay. He's okay.
So, what is my point? Remember when I said Katy Perry can have kissed a girl and still have God's love? I think she gets this Jesus thing better than a lot of people. I think she gets that it doesn't matter what's she's done or what she will do, that nothing can change the way He feels about her.
I kind of didn't get this once. Or I didn't want to is more like it. I did something that tore me up inside, that left me feeling sick with myself and disappointed, and grief-stricken. What I did left me feeling like someone I loved died. I remember reaching out for help at this point from someone I trusted and knew would pray for me and keep me honest, and that made it worse. It was like God had a face now. It's so easy to say, yeah God loves me so He forgives me, and then go on about your day. But when you have a person telling you you're forgiven, God is okay with you and loves you and forgives you...that, yeah, you messed up--now forgive yourself? That's harder. Now God had a face, and it was too much.
It sounds stupid, but I had so let myself down that I didn't want to be forgiven. I thought I deserved my grief. I didn't want to let God comfort me because I deserved to feel all those ugly things that left me curled in a ball of tears, pulling at my hair, alone in my bedroom.
"Acceptance is the key to truly be free. Will you do the same for me?"Here's the thing--I didn't walk away from God. I knew I was forgiven and would get to Heaven if I died that moment. That wasn't the issue. The issue was will I let myself feel forgiven or do I want to feel torn to shreds? God forgave me when Jesus did His thing on the cross, so I couldn't undo that. He had already accepted me, but now it was my turn to accept. Accept what He did for me. Accept the love and the comfort. Accept that I messed up, but that it doesn't make a lick of difference to Him. He never batted an eye.
I accepted. It took a while for the grief to go away, but I stopped feeling ugly about myself. I stopped sitting in my room thinking I deserved to feel ugly. The things we feel, right? Craziness. It almost feels worse to be forgiven sometimes because if God were angry with us, it would make more sense since it's how we feel about ourselves. Yet, He forgives. Do we deserve it? Psh. No. But that's why it's called grace. It's a gift.
Hey, I don't know what your deal is--what you've done, but you don't have to keep feeling guilty and rotten and sad and angry. He's there with His unconditional love, accepting you as you are. Now it's your turn to accept that.
*Added note: Someone pointed out to me that the guy is actually a girl, and I looked it up. It's true! Swedish model Erika Linder is a androgynous woman who models both men and women clothing. Well, dang, Erika, rock it if you got it.
Anyway, guy or girl, doesn't make a difference to this post.