Infertility

Infertility makes me irrational.

Last time a friend announced her pregnancy, I was nothing but genuinely happy. Now for some reason, another friend just announced and I got that stabby jealous feeling. We're not even trying for baby #2 yet. If ever.

Infertility isolates me.

I want to talk about my feelings with my infertile/angel mommy friends because I know they would understand, but at the same time...at least I have a living child. So maybe they wouldn't want to hear it. Other people don't understand what it's like, though. I have no one to talk to.

Infertility makes me angry.

Angry at whatever in the world caused me not to ovulate all those months. Angry at a world that poisons our bodies, robs wombs, ransacks dreams. Angry that people say, "All in God's timing..." when God doesn't cause the pain of infertility.

Infertility makes me afraid.

What if it happens again? It was so hard last time. I'm afraid to hope it can be different. Can I walk with my husband through the fire again? I'm afraid of getting burned.

But most of all...infertility does not define me.

In fact, I reject infertility. The name of Jesus is higher than the name of infertility. I'm heir to HIS promises. I will not let jealousy or fear cloud my eyes. No, my eyes are placed firmly on the One my soul trusts, my Healer. I'm allowed to have a very human moment of jealously, sadness, fear, and anger. But I refuse to stay in that place and let infertility take up more space in my body, mind, or soul.

Infertility is defeated.

Related posts:

Prayer of Comfort for the Infertile and Mother of Angels

When Back to School is Hard