Being Mindful about How We Label Behavior - Gentle Parenting
My toddler is amazing and he has typical toddler behavior. One of the most frustrating for my husband and I is interruption, especially while we're trying to have a conversation or figure something out. About a week ago, we handled this interruption in a way we felt was productive and even aligned with our gentle parenting philosophy, but...then a couple days later, my toddler showed me that he perceived our words differently than we intended and had internalized a label. So I want to share to show you that:
A) There's always room for us to learn and grow in our parenting journey. None of us get it right all the time.
B) We need to humble ourselves.
C) The way labels on behavior can become internalized as labels on the person.
D) How to be conscious of the labels we're using and what we can say instead in those moments of guidance.
So in that initial moment of frustration when my kiddo was interrupting, we responded with, "You're being rude. Interrupting is rude." In a way, that's right, because interrupting is rude. We thought we were teaching and just setting a boundary.
A couple days later, my toddler and I were walking down the stairs. We live on the top floor of our apartment, so we have to walk down three flights of stairs to get outside. I try to get us out early enough that we can walk at a natural toddler pace AKA turtle pace. But since I'm still learning good time management and life propels us to rush sometimes, I've said plenty of "Hurry up, we have to go. Focus on walking faster…" On this particular day, we weren't in a hurry. But my toddler sighed and said, "Sorry I'm going so slow. I guess I'm just rude."
"Whaaaat?" I said. "It's okay. We're not in a hurry. We can go at your pace."
"Yeah, but I'm rude," he said.
And I realized he had taken our label of his behavior as a label on himself. He was discouraged. He was believing something negative about himself because of something we'd said. So I got down to look in his eyes and say, "I'm so sorry. You're not rude. You did a rude thing, but that doesn't make you a rude person. You're always good. Sometimes I do rude things too, but I'm not a rude person. Daddy does rude things sometimes, but he's not a rude person. We're all good. You're so thoughtful, kind, amazing, okay?"
When we picked up my husband from work later that day, I told him about how our kiddo had perceived our words. The first thing he said was, "That's not what I meant." Totally normal response. A lot of people get defensive when they're confronted with something they did "wrong." But I explained we had both done it, we didn't mean it that way, but he still saw it that way and we wouldn't ever want him to think badly of himself.
When we got home, my husband picked up our kiddo, hugged him and was so intentional about repeating that he's not rude; he's always good. It was such a swoon-moment to see my husband humble himself like that and be such an intentional, thoughtful dad. It's hard to admit when we didn't handle something the right way! Owning it and apologizing takes strength.
And here's the dealio. You might not mean it "that way." But it was still perceived in that way. They didn't "take it the wrong way." Don't leave it at that. Apologize, model humility, connection, and thoughtfulness. Our kids need to see that we're listening, we care, and we believe the best about them. Sometimes that means changing the way we handle things.
So we've been more conscious about the words we use and how we label behavior. My challenge to you and to myself is to try to avoid labeling behavior altogether! Because it'll be natural for our kids to take that label onto themselves. Think about the times you've felt the weight of a negative label and how easily it sticks. Someone could say ten nice things about us, but it's the one negative thing that'll stick out to us the most. It's human nature. So let's be conscious of that human nature and try to avoid labels altogether.
Instead, I'm going to try to follow this "magic formula." When you do _______, it makes me feel_____because_____. Next time, could you please______instead.
So an example. "When you interrupt Daddy and me, it's makes me feel frustrated because it's hard for us to hear each other. Next time, can you please put your hand on my knee to signal you have something to say? That way I'll know it's your turn to talk next."
That communicates my feelings, needs, and boundaries without adding any labels. It's guidance.
So my fellow gentle parents, I know it can feel like such an uphill battle and there are all these tiny things we don't easily think about! That's okay because we're all learning, we're all overcoming our own traumas, triggers, and learned responses. As we learn, we'll mess up. But keep doing the work. Give yourself grace, give yourself healing and reflection, and pack some tools for next time.
Want to talk strategy together? Join the Her Arms Are Strong closed Facebook community or find more inspiration in gentle parenting, natural living, unschooling, and spirituality on Facebook and Instagram.
A) There's always room for us to learn and grow in our parenting journey. None of us get it right all the time.
B) We need to humble ourselves.
C) The way labels on behavior can become internalized as labels on the person.
D) How to be conscious of the labels we're using and what we can say instead in those moments of guidance.
So in that initial moment of frustration when my kiddo was interrupting, we responded with, "You're being rude. Interrupting is rude." In a way, that's right, because interrupting is rude. We thought we were teaching and just setting a boundary.
A couple days later, my toddler and I were walking down the stairs. We live on the top floor of our apartment, so we have to walk down three flights of stairs to get outside. I try to get us out early enough that we can walk at a natural toddler pace AKA turtle pace. But since I'm still learning good time management and life propels us to rush sometimes, I've said plenty of "Hurry up, we have to go. Focus on walking faster…" On this particular day, we weren't in a hurry. But my toddler sighed and said, "Sorry I'm going so slow. I guess I'm just rude."
"Whaaaat?" I said. "It's okay. We're not in a hurry. We can go at your pace."
"Yeah, but I'm rude," he said.
And I realized he had taken our label of his behavior as a label on himself. He was discouraged. He was believing something negative about himself because of something we'd said. So I got down to look in his eyes and say, "I'm so sorry. You're not rude. You did a rude thing, but that doesn't make you a rude person. You're always good. Sometimes I do rude things too, but I'm not a rude person. Daddy does rude things sometimes, but he's not a rude person. We're all good. You're so thoughtful, kind, amazing, okay?"
When we picked up my husband from work later that day, I told him about how our kiddo had perceived our words. The first thing he said was, "That's not what I meant." Totally normal response. A lot of people get defensive when they're confronted with something they did "wrong." But I explained we had both done it, we didn't mean it that way, but he still saw it that way and we wouldn't ever want him to think badly of himself.
When we got home, my husband picked up our kiddo, hugged him and was so intentional about repeating that he's not rude; he's always good. It was such a swoon-moment to see my husband humble himself like that and be such an intentional, thoughtful dad. It's hard to admit when we didn't handle something the right way! Owning it and apologizing takes strength.
And here's the dealio. You might not mean it "that way." But it was still perceived in that way. They didn't "take it the wrong way." Don't leave it at that. Apologize, model humility, connection, and thoughtfulness. Our kids need to see that we're listening, we care, and we believe the best about them. Sometimes that means changing the way we handle things.
So we've been more conscious about the words we use and how we label behavior. My challenge to you and to myself is to try to avoid labeling behavior altogether! Because it'll be natural for our kids to take that label onto themselves. Think about the times you've felt the weight of a negative label and how easily it sticks. Someone could say ten nice things about us, but it's the one negative thing that'll stick out to us the most. It's human nature. So let's be conscious of that human nature and try to avoid labels altogether.
Instead, I'm going to try to follow this "magic formula." When you do _______, it makes me feel_____because_____. Next time, could you please______instead.
So an example. "When you interrupt Daddy and me, it's makes me feel frustrated because it's hard for us to hear each other. Next time, can you please put your hand on my knee to signal you have something to say? That way I'll know it's your turn to talk next."
That communicates my feelings, needs, and boundaries without adding any labels. It's guidance.
So my fellow gentle parents, I know it can feel like such an uphill battle and there are all these tiny things we don't easily think about! That's okay because we're all learning, we're all overcoming our own traumas, triggers, and learned responses. As we learn, we'll mess up. But keep doing the work. Give yourself grace, give yourself healing and reflection, and pack some tools for next time.
Want to talk strategy together? Join the Her Arms Are Strong closed Facebook community or find more inspiration in gentle parenting, natural living, unschooling, and spirituality on Facebook and Instagram.
Comments