Childism: Can We Please Stop Referring to Babies as Half People?
"Two and a half?" the waitress asked, after my husband, our baby, and I entered the restaurant.
I chuckled. Because she meant it as a joke and I was being polite. I don't want to be one of "those people" the world is rolling their eyes at because I'm too sensitive or take things the wrong way. But after a year of hearing this joke, I don't think I'm overreacting. I get that this is "just" a joke. Many family and friends and strangers have made this joke, and I'm not angry with any of you. You don't mean to play into childism, but you do. So here's my gentle plea to stop referring to babies as less than a whole people.
What is childism?
First of all, let's define childism since it's a relatively new concept. Childism is a prejudice or discrimination against a young person based on their age. (Just like sexism is prejudice/discrimation based on sex, racism is prejudice/discrimination based on race, and ageism is prejudice/discrimination based on mature age.)
What does childism look like?
Childism looks like adults ignoring a child's attempt at adding to a conversation "because the adults are talking."
Childism looks like hitting a child in the name of discipline even though it's never okay to hit any other person.
Childism looks like making a child sit at the kids table during Thanksgiving even though the child feels more comfortable eating and talking with the adults.
Childism is forcing affection (hugs, kisses, etc.) even though it's never okay to force affection or touch on an adult.
There are endless examples, but at it's basic root, childism looks like treating a child with less respect than we would give an adult.
What if we treated other people the same way we treat children?
Imagine you're talking with a group of friends, and another adult approaches and has something to add. Would you stop them and say, "Not right now. Go do something else. We're talking." No, right? Because it's dismissive, rude, and shows you don't value that person's thoughts. If you were that person being turned away, how would you feel?
Picture you're having a bad day. Maybe you're tired and hungry, so you snap at someone or forget to take your coffee mug into the kitchen. So, to show that you need to be kinder or more responsible, someone hits you. Not okay. Never okay.
Your Uncle Harvey comes over and, for whatever reason (any reason at all), you don't want to hug him. You tell him no, but he wraps his arms around you anyway to hold you against your will. When he lets you go, you're upset, but everyone else in the room tells you not to be so rude. That's so messed up.
Now let's go back to the restaurant scenario. Let's call a woman half a person. Let's call a black person only half a person. Let's call Great Grandpa half a person. "Two and a half of you?" No one would chuckle. We'd be outraged. We'd talk to the manager and take our business elsewhere because sexism, racism, and ageism are unacceptable.
Yet it's okay and even funny to do this to young people? I do get the joke. Babies are small and cute. They can't talk yet. They'll throw more food than they eat, and they think fart noises are funny. But...none of these things make babies less than a whole person. This joke is a tiny tip of a giant iceberg called childism.
So just like I did in the restaurant yesterday, if someone asks me, "Two and a half?" I'll say, "No, three of us."
More on Childism
If you're interested in furthering your understanding, some other bloggers I love talk about childism too. Check out their posts!
"Childism: Not a Call to Action, Just a Beginning" by Our Muddy Boots
"We Need to Talk about Childism" by Happiness is Here
"Spotlight on Childism: the Uncomfortable Truth about Mainstream Parenting" by Bespoke Parents; Unique Kids
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Related post: This is What Gentle Parenting Shows My Child
What is childism?
First of all, let's define childism since it's a relatively new concept. Childism is a prejudice or discrimination against a young person based on their age. (Just like sexism is prejudice/discrimation based on sex, racism is prejudice/discrimination based on race, and ageism is prejudice/discrimination based on mature age.)
What does childism look like?
Childism looks like adults ignoring a child's attempt at adding to a conversation "because the adults are talking."
Childism looks like hitting a child in the name of discipline even though it's never okay to hit any other person.
Childism looks like making a child sit at the kids table during Thanksgiving even though the child feels more comfortable eating and talking with the adults.
Childism is forcing affection (hugs, kisses, etc.) even though it's never okay to force affection or touch on an adult.
There are endless examples, but at it's basic root, childism looks like treating a child with less respect than we would give an adult.
What if we treated other people the same way we treat children?
Imagine you're talking with a group of friends, and another adult approaches and has something to add. Would you stop them and say, "Not right now. Go do something else. We're talking." No, right? Because it's dismissive, rude, and shows you don't value that person's thoughts. If you were that person being turned away, how would you feel?
Picture you're having a bad day. Maybe you're tired and hungry, so you snap at someone or forget to take your coffee mug into the kitchen. So, to show that you need to be kinder or more responsible, someone hits you. Not okay. Never okay.
Your Uncle Harvey comes over and, for whatever reason (any reason at all), you don't want to hug him. You tell him no, but he wraps his arms around you anyway to hold you against your will. When he lets you go, you're upset, but everyone else in the room tells you not to be so rude. That's so messed up.
Now let's go back to the restaurant scenario. Let's call a woman half a person. Let's call a black person only half a person. Let's call Great Grandpa half a person. "Two and a half of you?" No one would chuckle. We'd be outraged. We'd talk to the manager and take our business elsewhere because sexism, racism, and ageism are unacceptable.
Yet it's okay and even funny to do this to young people? I do get the joke. Babies are small and cute. They can't talk yet. They'll throw more food than they eat, and they think fart noises are funny. But...none of these things make babies less than a whole person. This joke is a tiny tip of a giant iceberg called childism.
So just like I did in the restaurant yesterday, if someone asks me, "Two and a half?" I'll say, "No, three of us."
More on Childism
If you're interested in furthering your understanding, some other bloggers I love talk about childism too. Check out their posts!
"Childism: Not a Call to Action, Just a Beginning" by Our Muddy Boots
"We Need to Talk about Childism" by Happiness is Here
"Spotlight on Childism: the Uncomfortable Truth about Mainstream Parenting" by Bespoke Parents; Unique Kids
Related post: This is What Gentle Parenting Shows My Child
Comments
I mean, I take it you agree that children must be taught things, and that in that sense they are in fact less than adults? As your baby grows into a toddler and then a preschooler you'll find they are very concerned with their own growing process, and that feeling that they are less than adult is a key driver for them developing themselves towards adulthood, learning to go potty, learning to stay dry at night, learning to cope with their emotions, learning to use knife and fork, learning arithmetic, and so on. A child knows that they are not an adult yet, and it's probably quite important to reinforce that for them if you want them to develop normally. I'm not sure how this childism theory helps with that. Like, if the adults are talking and the child interrupts, that's rude, that's not laudable behaviour, and it shouldn't be encouraged. If the child wishes to join in to an adult conversation, they must do so on the terms of adult conversations.
Totally with you on forced intimacy/hugs/etc. though.
No one says that joke as if they think the child isn't a whole or "real" person. The person who says it is actually going out of their way to recognize the child.
Also- hitting as a form of discipline is actually playing into their mentality, it's using something they understand to get your point across. Children hit. They understand it is anger and frustration. They understand that it is an extreme means of getting attention. They understand hitting. Try "talking it out" to a dog, or a horse, or a lion. They do't understand. But they do understand brute force. you have to speak 'their language' if you want to get across to them.. the same can be said about children. They don't 100% understand you, and sometimes you need to speak a language they do understand.
And lastly- if an adult rudely interrupted a conversation between other adults, and someone was annoyed by it... yeah, they would say shut up and go away we were talking and you were not part of the conversation. Especially if a stranger did it. Especially if this person had a RUDE habit of always butting in when they were not wanted or needed. By teaching children NOT to do this, we actually create better adults.
Stop being an offended snowflake. Start raising better kids, since they are the only human beings you have control over.